And there, on the invitation, the words "Abigail Conley and Guest." If the wedding were near my home, I'd find a date for the evening. (And guys, no, if a woman asks you to be her date for a wedding, she's doesn't want to marry you. She just wants to go with someone she doesn't mind spending a few hours with who has reasonable social skills. Seriously.) None of the invites are to nearby weddings, though. Attending these weddings means planes and hotels and lots of time away. So I'll say no to a few and head to the others alone.
I'm pretty ok with attending events alone, actually, especially to celebrate with close friends.
That "and Guest," though, is a reminder that our cultures expects couples. Our culture knows what to do with couples. It's written into the etiquette rules that we only pay attention to at weddings. It's written into vacation pricing and cell phone plans and tax codes. And yes, all of those things tend to get cheaper if you're part of a couple.
The thing is, couple mentality is also a part of our churches. We know what to do with widows, but that's about it on the single spectrum. We yearn for young families. We have no clue what to do with 20something professionals who aren't married. Or 50something professionals for that matter. For people my age, there's the vibe of "We'll know how to handle this better once you're married." Then, you'll know what to invite me to. You'll know what I do at holidays. You'll expect my free time is as limited (and mundane) as yours.
So, from a happy, working, single woman who really loves the church, here are a few pointers about welcome that make space for me in church. I bet they'll work for some other folks, too.
- Ask me: What do you do for fun? I can answer that question. It'll get me talking about things I genuinely enjoy. It's a really good substitute for questions such as: Are you married? Do you have kids? Where's your family? Answers involving spouses, kids, whatever constitutes a family will certainly come up in the answer to "What do you do for fun?" But none of those things has to. You just made me feel welcome.
- Assume my time is limited. There's an assumption that not having kids means having unlimited time for all sorts of other things. Yes, single people, as well as couples without children, tend to volunteer more than people with children. Please, though, don't assume I have all this free time floating around that just needs to be sucked up by something I may or may not care about. Like most folks, I'll make time for something I consider important. But treat me like my time matters, too.
- Invite me like you'd invite anyone else. "You're young, so..." "You'll be the only single person there, but..." If you'd like to invite me, just invite me. If I'm worried about things like being the youngest person by 20 years or the only single person present, I'll ask. Stop naming the reasons I might feel excluded and just include me.
- Oh yeah, invite me. I, like many people, do live far away from family and friends. Like many younger people, I'm perfectly fine with spending holidays with random people and have done so on numerous occasions. Church people are often the worst for hunkering down with biological family only, especially at Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving. You know, those family holidays. Practice some Christian hospitality and invite me. And maybe invite some neighbors, too. Or people you just happen to like. It could be really fun. And not weird.
- And that. Don't be weird about it. Welcoming new people of any sort is hard. Assume you already like me. Assume we're going to be friends. Assume I'm not some Other Kind of Person that you have to figure out. Assume you're the one who needs to approach me, even if it makes you uncomfortable. And unless you know me really well, don't try to set me up on a date. Just don't.
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