Where to start?

There's no easy way to say it, so I'll just be blunt: I don't fit in church.

Shew. It feels good to say. And here's some elaboration. First, there's no reason I shouldn't fit in church. I can easily name all the Sunday mornings in my life I haven't been in a church. I am baptized. I went to a Christian college. And oh yeah, I'm a pastor. An ordained, stole-wearing, seminary-educated pastor. I even broke from my fundamentalist background so that, as a woman, I could be an ordained, stole-wearing, seminary-educated pastor. (Ok, the stole wasn't part of the dream, but it's a fun bonus!)

On top of that, I believe in church. And the Gospel that created and creates the church. I affirm that I cannot be a Christian apart from a community of believers dedicated to following Christ. I believe that the reign of God is real and close and something we seek as a community. Those hopes and faith are deep and abiding.

I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Depending on the day, I weep or get chills when I hear so many stories of the Bible, but ones like Jairus' daughter or the woman caught in adultery move me deeply. They have and continue to transform my life and I believe the God they point to can transform all of us.

But somehow, something strange has happened. Despite the best efforts of a Christian community, I don't fit there. Mostly, it's because I'm young and single. Mostly, it's because of the latter. It probably doesn't help that I don't worry about a lot of things that community wants to worry about. And it's not just the particular congregation I serve. It seems to be everywhere.

And then, when I walk out into the "world"--that secular, scary, need-God's-help world--I fit there. There, late twenty-something and single isn't weird. At all. There, a couple of post-secondary degrees isn't strange. There, a working professional woman seems quite ordinary. There, I can hang out with people and not worry about race or gender or sexuality or ethnicity or all the ambiguity around any of those things.

All of that works with my faith. All of that works with this deep, unbelievable yearning for God that rests within me. All of that works with the deepest experiences of God, the ones for which I cannot find words. In fact, these things help me hear the Gospel better. But that discussion will come later.

You see, somewhere deep within me, I am also certain that I am not alone. The church is well aware that we are missing at least one generation, if not more. Anyone who knows anything about things that are churchy or large cultural trends can speak of the postmodern mindset and the secularization that is creeping in. And somehow, I have ended up with a foot firmly planted in both the church and a world that doesn't seem to need the church.

And so, I begin writing, pretty certain that this conversation needs to move outside myself. Who knows where it will lead. But it seems I am hearing a call of some sort, so I respond the way God's people have for generations: here I am.